Monday, June 25, 2012

Critical Mass (300.2)

It's finally happened. Somehow, I always knew it would. 300 pounds. 120 pounds more than I want to weigh. 120 more than is good for me. 120 pounds I now have to shed. Ugh.

I have to do something about this, once and for all. I know it'll be more difficult than ever, this time. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can't put it off any longer. It's too hard dragging myself around. Knowing the routes with escalators, in place of stairs. Choosing a table over a booth in a restaurant. Requesting a seat belt extension when I fly. Putting myself down before others can get there. Avoiding every reflective surface I can. I want my life back. And today's as good a starting point as any.

I've bought a month of delivered meals. Nutritionally balanced, portion controlled, microwavable servings I don't have to think about or wait for. My expectation is that they'll wean me off the packaged food, the processed food, the unhealthy food, and get me to a place where I don't think (much) about food at all.

And I've hired a trainer. Fifteen sessions that'll get me started and off the couch. I'll handle my own cardio, but I need help with strength and flexibility stuff. And accountability. I need someone to kick my ass. Someone to ensure I do it, rather than simply say I'll do it.

So, off I go. Again.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Whaddya Mean "Declined"? (284.2)

New job, new benefits. New benefits, new paperwork. Weeks ago, I applied for optional group life insurance to increase my death benefit from once to twice my salary. Today, I opened the mail and read:
Based on the information that you have provided, your application for additional coverage has been declined. Reason: height/weight ratio.
Well, shit.

Too fat to be insured (at least, at the group rate). Who knew there was such a thing? And all because I told the truth. Had I claimed I was 255 lbs or less, my application would have been approved. But, telling the truth isn't what this is all about, is it?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hey, Nineteen (270.8)

Well, I'm ahead of schedule. Four more weeks: eight more pounds. I'm riding a pasta toboggan down a mashed potato hill into a pile of marshmallow. I thought I was out of control a month ago, but apparently I hadn't seen anything yet. I've been afraid to step on the scale for months. I don't want to read the bad news, and I don't know how to stop the downward spiral.

I do realize ignoring the scale isn't the same as doing something about the increasing number, but I can pretend, can't I?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Downhill (261.2)

Bless me, Dr. Atkins, for I have sinned. It's been ten weeks since my last confession... and I'm ten pounds heavier. At this rate, I'll be back where I started in another thirty weeks -- say the end of January.

There's been a carbohydrate festival in my mouth, and I can't seem to shut it down. French fries, chocolate, potato chips, cupcakes, bread, hard candy, ice cream, lemon squares, pasta, marshmallows, you name it. If it's white and bad for me, I'm all over it. And now -- unsurprisingly -- it's all over me.

I'm out of control. This feels like the beginning of the same old slippery slope, and I worry that I won't find the brake pedal until it's too late.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Let's Get Serious (251.6)

After more than a month of farting around, it's time to get back on this horse.  I've been lazy, indulgent, and distracted by my job search, and it shows.  The scale has bounced around, and I'm tired of it.  So, it's time to get my act together.

I want that middle digit to change again!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Is This the Finish Line? (253.8)

Yesterday, the Live Right (Here and) Now Panel met on air for the last time.  It's hard to believe six months have already elapsed since we began so early in the new year.  Six months that could have simply passed without evincing any change whatever.  But, in two week increments, I've begun a different life.

As the CBC's project officially closes, mine has just gotten underway.  I can celebrate the successes I've already notched -- more than 40 pounds lost, two dress sizes dropped -- but there's more work to be done.  Not just in pounds, but in attitude, in willingness and motivation.  So, at least for me, there is no finish line.

Monday, June 20, 2011

I Am a Slow Learner (253.6)

I can't believe I've been on this road for almost six months.  In preparation for today's penultimate Live Right Now panel, I spent some time thinking about lessons learned during that time.

The big take-away is a lesson I seem to have to learn over and over again:  this will never be easy for me.  Every day, every meal, every choice I make, has to be a conscious one if I'm to achieve my goal.  And it won't end there.  In order to maintain any weight loss, that behaviour must be sustained until... well... forever.  There's no such thing as automatic pilot.  I'll never be able to coast.  I must always be vigilant.  Or what I've lost will come back with a vengeance.  Been there, done that, back again.

Still, I've been successful before, and I'm delighted with my achievement, thus far.  More than 40 pounds lost -- without feeling unduly deprived, without turning my life upside down, and without serious backsliding -- is something to celebrate (though not with cake and ice cream!)

If you'd asked me in January whether I'd be happy to get to where I am, I'd certainly have said yes.  So, the fact that I'm not 'there' yet simply means I have more to do -- and I know I can do it.